Joie

WHENEVER I FEEL WEAK

I remember way back then when my father is still alive. We used to go on an outing every summer together with the whole family and some friends. A moment that became so memorable for me, not only because it’s an occasion where the family gathered together and have sometimes bonding up, it’s more on, in that particular occasion, I learned something that I’ve been able to remind myself...whenever I feel weak.


It is still fresh in my memory when my father and I had some time alone in the sea. He told me that he will be going to teach me how to swim. I was so excited. I don’t know yet how to swim. I was only 10 years old at that time.
My dad rents a lifebuoy. I was glad because I knew that my father was thinking about my safety. A knowledge that he’s giving me a fun time to enjoy my swimming lesson...but I was wrong.
He asked me to ride on the buoy. While I'm on it, I was full of anticipation to learn and to have a moment with him.
I look at him as my hero. A knight in shining armor. I love him for being tough and a man of authority. That time I was confident that nothing bad will happen because he’s with me.
He dragged me into the water while telling a lot of stories. Teaching techniques and instructing me to look at the view. He tells how fascinating the ocean is. I was so overwhelmed that I hardly understand his words. Also, I was not paying much attention to my surroundings.
Until I realized that the water we are on is already deep. Seeing only my father’s head, I got a little worried because that moment I started recognizing some jellyfish that I know will sting and painful once their tentacles touch your skin.
But then again, my father is with me so it’s all right. He keeps talking even though it seems that he’s aware that I am getting anxious. He continued talking about the beauty of the ocean. The flashing waves, the heat of the sun, and how sharp the corals are on the depth of the ocean floor.
For a moment I forgot about my uncomfortable situation. I was mesmerized by the look on my father’s face. He’s talking about the sea but it seems he’s referring to the whole thing that in my young understanding I couldn’t figure out what was it. I was still thinking about what he’s trying to say when he suddenly move and pushing me away.
I asked why he’s doing it. He just looked at me and laugh. I thought he was joking or playing around. But I begin to panic when I notice that he is already miles away. The water is still in his head level but instead of being calm, I was brooding in fears seeing the seashore far away. The jellyfish that was only a few a while ago are now starting to build up. Targeting me as their prey. They’re circling my buoy as if they don’t want me to escape. That time I started to yell because my father is too far. Thinking, perhaps he can’t hear my voice that’s why he’s ignoring me.
The waves are getting huge and it crashing the buoy. The sun which was too hot is now about to set. Not to mention the jellyfish that still there and look like they called their entire colony. My eyes burst into tears. Scared of all the things happening at the same time. I can’t comprehend why my father let me go and allowing me to suffer. I thought, he will never be going to leave me. That he will teach me how to survive but how come he’s letting these things happen and doesn’t seem to care!?...that he will let me die.

The waves keep tossing. My only hope, the thing that keeps me floating, at that moment I thought, will only save me since my father went mad and seems out of his mind...my buoy.
The jellies are still there and I get weary. I keep shouting to get my father’s attention. I begged but looks like he doesn’t mind at all. I was confused. I’m beginning to hate him and bubbling curses that my little mind can utter. I was terrified in horror, devastated when my father shouted back. Telling me not to cry. My mind wasn’t in the right state. I was baffled, feel lost, and wishing at that moment to vanish. I felt I was about to faint.
When I heard my father yell again. This time, it’s drastic, sounds like he’s angry. Telling me to stop being pathetic and think of something. “Use your brain”! He said.
Despite all the unlikely things happening. My fear of my father’s angry voice overcome the situation. He uses that tone whenever he loses his temper. My siblings and I stand in terror every time he is mad. Even though I knew I am already in total danger I still think that I’ll be in big trouble if I won’t follow his words. So I started to think of what to do. Then my eyes went to my feet. Realizing I still wear my flip flop.


I reached for those and started to paddle up. Which made the jellies go away. I already have sunburns for being exposed to the sun for a long time and my skin hurts so I tried to take off my shirt and dumped it into the water and put it on my head to freshen up. I was in great courage when I see that I am almost at my father's grasp. Stretching his hands to reach me. When I’m in his chest. I cried again, not because of fear...I feel relief. I also feel ashamed for not thinking wise. I blamed myself for lacking courage.
I forgot that all those times when I was struggling, my father didn't leave me. He was far yes, but he never left. And I can’t believe myself saying sorry, although I believed I didn’t do anything wrong. But then my father said, it’s all right now. Calm down and let’s go.
While coming near the shore, holding hands.
My dad unexpectedly let go of my hand. I thought he put it down because it’s already safe since the water is on his waist level. Which means I am safe and finally can alight from the buoy. But I noticed strangely, he’s untying something from his belly...a string.
A string that tied up from his belly to my lifebuoy. A string that connects us.
Upon seeing him doing that, I saw marks and fresh wounds.
Wounds that the tight string made of. That all along, while I am having difficulties at the water. When the waves crashing my buoy, that tosses it in different directions. That string also pulled my father back and forth.
I didn’t realize that while I’m having those unforgettable moments which doesn’t hurt me much physically, he is enduring the pain of holding that string on his body. Once again, I cried, but it was hidden. I didn’t let him know that I am crying inside for pitying him. All along I thought he was just seeing me from afar...doing nothing, laughing and teasing. For a second, I judged him as a bad father. For a while, I uttered bad words, for making me miserable. What I didn’t realize, behind that poker face, he's bleeding. Then, the salted water added up, plus his sunburns as well. And who knows, while swimming away from me, some jellies stung him and sharp stones brushed his feet that caused him pain.
After untying himself, I grabbed his hand. Then pressed it and give him a warm smile. This time I said, thank you, Papa.
He didn’t teach me how to swim. He taught me more than that. More than just physical survival. He taught me how to gather courage. He taught me to be brave. To trust and have faith. To love with all my heart.
Way back telling those stories, the view, the beauty of the ocean, the waves, the sun, and the sea creatures. I didn’t realize, he was talking about life. How beautiful life is. How dangerous it is. How drastic it will be and how unfair it could get.
In our life. When emotional things get into our nerve, we easily give up. Feels like the whole heaven falls upon us. That God deprived our beings. But we failed to realize that life has its magic. It’s a miracle that we should be grateful for. Life is a teacher and experiences are the lessons.
Life is a blessing.


My father passed away, I was 17. It happened a long time ago but still, his memory remains. His words, his teachings, and his love.
In times, when I feel so helpless, that I’m about to give up, times when I feel lost, times when nobody loves me...I just think of him. All those memories that linger. It gives me hope to go on, to fight, to have courage, to trust, and not to lose love.
My father
The God Almighty...they are my strength, whenever I feel weak.

                                                                   Joie27 ;)